on going dark...

So sorry I haven't blogged lately. What with the end of school, the end of my marriage, and the business of ending my life in MN to begin a new one in Ohio....well, I've been swamped.

You heard right. I'm moving. Rob finally agreed/relented and since school has been out, I've been packing, closing accounts, notifying friends, fixing and cleaning a house, finding a realtor, etc. I have so many pictures from so long ago on my camera it's not even funny. It may take me a few more weeks, but I will get things back up and going. And, once the divorce docs are signed, I may go public with the blog again.

So there you have it. Rob has not come to his senses, so we will be ending a beautiful friendship and marriage in a matter of days. And it appears that he will just say "oops - made a mistake", brush himself off and go on with his life as if nothing happened. Why, he even considers himself a Christian - one who is liberated and free from that "oppressive, extreme view of sexual monogamy and other 'black and white' views of morality". Seems he's now a relativist... even planning on taking the kids back to our church during the summers he has them. Yep. That and he's planning on getting his Masters in Marriage and Family Counseling. I kid you not. His very words.

On a lighter note - I've caught up with Lost, Heroes and am finishing Firefly. WHY OH WHY DID THEY CANCEL THAT SHOW AFTER ONE SEASON???? Morons, I tell you. What a fun show!

Gonna miss MN - my church, my friends, my jobs/work colleagues, the Science Museum and the Great Minnesota Get-Together. May be back for visits in the summer when the kids are visiting "dad". Still praying about that one - I cannot believe that one year ago, I was planning on home schooling my children to keep them from the world's system of pluralism, moral relativism and immerse them in holiness and being set apart. Now, I have to put them into public schools where those philosophies abound AND they have a father who is going to vaccinate them with truth - just small bits of it and half truths here and there to innoculate them to real Christianity. At least it will only be for the summers. I suppose I can undo whatever damage has been done with the help of the Holy Spirit of course...and I will be bathing them in prayer.

Pray for me to find a job, to find a good school for Ethan and daycare for Noah, and pray that Ethan and Noah won't grow up thinking half-hearted, lukewarm "christianity" is good enough...

yes I'm still alive

Whew! I haven't posted in forever. I've been keeping many of you up to date via e-mail because Rob was being a bit of a pain regarding the blog. Here is a summary:
1. he finally finished testing and made me sign a non-disclosure agreement so I can't discuss details. But I can tell you the court awarded him his overnights/extended visits. Not necessarily bad as my hope is that will allow us to move to Ohio.
2. Still pursuing Ohio. Rob is dragging everything out just as slowly as he possibly can. Won't commit. I'm concerned about the timeing and the possibility of going to trial ($$$) and/or being told I have to stay. I am getting to the place, however, that I trust God with even that outocme.
3. God is helping me to let go, forgive despite him not actually asking me to. Or apologizing. But I want freedom more than I want to make him suffer. I want to forgive more than I want to hate and be bitter. And I feel God is starting to heal some things... beauty for ashes.

Keep praying. More to come. Hope to get some answers and deadlines met by next week. Specifically, pray that if Ohio is where God wants me and the boys, He will move this mountain. And if not, He will close this door.

Thanks, all! I love you!

Quick update

Gotta be vague just in case. Sad, isn't it? Anyway...those of you in my prayer group have more details...those of you wishing more should contact me via my e-mail address and we can correspond that way. I know he can't read those.

Update: today was NOT the court date as Rob's lawyer was suddenly booked up and we apparently are all STILL waiting on the psychologist report. I am officially unemployed in 30 days, though God has moved in an amazing way regarding possible future employment - just can't share that here. Like I said...if you want details, shoot me an e-mail. I'm not afraid to share them or trying to be coy...just want to limit his knowledge as much as possible.

I had to sit through that "co-parenting" class and listen to all of these secular people go on and on about how Rob and I finding common ground on the kids is the most important thing. No consideration of differences of faith and values, of psychological well being (or UNwell being in his case), no consideration of his difficulty to work with, the depths to which his behavior and attitude have sunken, his inablility to be believed or trusted, etc. I wanted to puke.

Please continue to pray. I want to be done hating him. I keep clinging to "Christ in me...the HOPE of GLORY"...because right now I don't feel like I'm glorifying Him in any way, shape or form. I'm a wretch. My heart is deceitful. My soul is selfish. I question every motive and thought...but I'm afraid to question too much becuase of what I might find the answer to be - and I want it MY way.

What a mess fallen humanity is. Who will save me from this body of death?

random thoughts

Bad news is it's been a rough couple of week. Good news is I can actually feel progress in my spirit and my mind. I asked my counselor about this back and forth thing and he said it's normal for me as long as I'm making progress. Apparently I have a "right side"...the side that is my go getter, my pick-myself-up-by-my-bootstraps side that wants to be done with it all and move on. Then there is my left side...my emotional side that must grieve and work through it. My right side feeds on anger - if I get good and mad at him the I can get over it. But anger blocks the grief. So every once in a while, my emotional side says "take a break already and let me cry". With each "set back" I cling desperately to the truth even though I don't feel it. And I come out on the other side feeling more detached, which is good. I come out believing the truth a bit more, and starting to feel the truth. That, my friends, is progress. Unfortunately my counselor has also told me this is going to take time and it will not be quick. But I must embrace it and let it happen at the pace God has designed.

I shared with my mom that it's a lot like a serious wound. Often a wound must be irritated in order to heal. A broken bone must be set, a deep cut or scrape must be cleaned thoroughly, a bullet must first be removed. It involves pain and suffering, but without it infection sets in and the danger of gangrene. My infection is bitterness. If I am ever to be whole and share life with another, then I must embrace the pain and the suffering and let Him clean the wound. Even if it means He has to remove the scab over and over again to apply the ointment. The only way to let it all go is to not deny it's existance - it must be dealt with. And it is deep so the cleansing must happen in phases like peeling an onion...remove one layer to deal with the layer underneath.

I am sensing a peace about moving to Ohio. I believe it's going to happen. It might mean, however, that I have to be willing to let him have the children for overnights and extended periods. That still scares me, but I have to trust Jesus with my kids just like I've had to trust him with my heart and my life and my salvation.

Pastor Pete spoke on "why God doesn't answer my prayers" Sunday. Among the reasons was "because He may have something better". Dear Jesus, please let it be so. I never imagined I would want my life to not have Rob in it. But that's where I'm heading. He simply has too much "junk" and I have less and less interest to help him with it or be burdened by it. I have a lot to offer and he squelched it in me. I will NOT settle ever again.

Lying Low

Well, I've had a few weird anomolies when it comes to this blog switching to private. I'm suspicious that Rob might still have found a way to access it, but I also could be completely paranoid. He has on 2 different occassions made comments about me "spreading his private informtion to third parties"...apart from the fact that he told me I could tell people early on, depsite the fact that most of his actions he confessed to many of you himself, and despite the fact that most of what is on the blog is my personal, spiritual journey and emotional processing. I think I've only given specific information twice. Maybe he's reading it, or maybe he's just upset that he can no longer read it so he's assuming it will always be about him. Anyway, if any of you are speaking to him, please don't share anything you know...just in case. And I also will try to keep the blog fairly neutral over the next few months. I will still keep those of you on my "prayer list" informed of issues as they arise via e-mail

I hate being under a microscope and not feeling as if I can be myself and be honest. I HATE playing games. But this is what it has come to. Feel free to contact me privately via phone or e-mail if you have any questions, comments, etc.

It's been a rough week. I hate waiting. Waiting causes my imagination to run wild. I also know my employment situaton is precarious, I can't make some deadlines even if we settled this thing tomorrow, and it's got me a bit stressed. There is a fine line between faith and foolishness sometimes. I've been trying to have faith that I will get to move to Ohio. Besides the faith, not beign able to do much, really, about employment here due to time adn financial restraints has caused me to be kinda putting my eggs in one basket. Now if that basket falls, all my eggs break, was I foolish or was God? His Word says he is faithful, so it must mean I missed it. If I miss it agian, I don't know if I have it in me to keep trusting that I'm hearing from the Lord. Apparently, I'm a LOUSY sheep.

So keep praying. I'm out of work in June and out of luck in MN - I'm no longer employable as a teacher. And I simply have not had the time nor money to take classes to renew my licensure. If I have to stay, I really have no idea what I will do at this time. That's just a wee bit scary place to be.

Candid Camera

So now, when I say "smile for the camera"...here is what Noah gives me: (the first two are taken on my phone..a bit grainy - still learning how to use it. But you get the idea)

And just WHERE, do you suppose, he's learned this??????......................

(scroll down)

(smile) My boys are so much fun!!!!!

The Power of the Blood and the Word of My Testimony

I realized that some of you were left in the dark regarding my car stuff back around the holidays. Now that my blog is "private", I think I can talk more freely and openly without fear of providing ammo to the enemy. Forgive me if you already know this stuff, as I'm sure some of the info trickled out here and there over the months, but I just have to make sure I have it documented for my own remembrance, and for the Glory of God.

Back in Nov., my "check engine" light started coming on repeatedly. For those of you who know me, car issues have been the thorn in my side since I started driving. This is one reason I bought a Honda - to no longer have car issues. And it was during a lot of the really icky stuff with Rob, the finances were tight, etc. Just bad timing all the way around. I took it in for a diagnostic and was told it was the ERG valve. Estimated cost: a few hundred. I made a CONSCIOUS effort and decision to NOT PANIC. I figured if God really had me in his hand like I'd been told and was being reminded of constantly, then he'd work this out somehow. The garage made a couple of calls for me and found a technical service bulletin on this very problem. Covered until 80K miles or 8 years. Meaning, if I took the car to a Honda dealer, it would be covered for free. Yippee! Praise the Lord!

I have the car back for about a week and the light comes on again. At the same time, I feel the transmission slip. My heart sinks. I don't know a lot about cars, but I know enough to know that tranny problems = is your car even worth the $$$$$????? I take her into Honda to get the news. Yep, transmission will need to be REPLACED ($3000 est.) AND my catalytic converter has gone out (did you know they were made out of PLATINUM - $2000 est.). Again - a very difficult decision was made to not panic and you will never believe it...BOTH of these problems also had a technical service bulletin out. Covered until 80K or 8 years. Guess how old my car was? 7 years. Guess how many miles? 76K. The mechanic even commented that they usually didn't see the problem with the catalytic converter until closer to 100K miles, so this was unusual. I smiled inside and said "nope - it's God making sure that, like the children of Israel wandering in the desert, my clothes and shoes (and car) lasts longer than normal - on someone elses dime.

So after all that, I ended up with over $5000 in FREE car repairs - they didn't even charge me full price for a rental car. I think I paid a total of $60 bucks when I had a rental for well over a week put together. Isn't God amazing?

Now, couple that with an abundance of blessings to me and my kids for Christmas - from people who knew us and people who didn't, God working it out for me to have $8000 more in salary than I expected, my bills somehow being paid on time even before I had work, my money even now being stretched to it's limits with health care, full time child care, AND legal costs...yet I'm still not behind on any payments or bills, my Eagle, God sending a man to flirt at me on the highway when I needed it (Yes, I do believe that was God even as silly as that sounds), God revealing things Rob is doing that could be a problem, and orchestrating some of the little legal stuff in my favor so far, and a myriad of other smaller but no less significant "coincidences" (wink, wink) like cards in the mail when I needed them, anonymous gift cards or cash, etc., and the tapestry seems to be getting richer and richer with vibrant color. Even today at church - I was complimented out of the blue on my appearance, countenance, and singing by no less than 3 people, given a hug randomly by one of the teens at church, and invited to go out shopping with one friend, and karaoke with another. Why? Because this has been a particularly lonely week for me and I've struggled with feeling left out, lack of purpose, being unattractive, etc. AND GOD CARES. Years ago, I would have taken the stance of "buck up - you aren't the only one with problems and God has a lot more important things to do than deal with your pity party and victim mentality". But you know what? I'm learning God has NOTHING more important to do than me. That is not arrogance or pride talking. That is a saint who is just starting to grasp how deep, high, wide, and long is the love of Christ and just starting to KNOW that love that surpasses understanding. I know I can't dwell in pity - I don't want to. But I also know he understands when I'm there and isn't standing on the side saying "pull yourself together". No, he's getting down in the mud with me, hugging me, crying with me and saying "I understand...now let me help you out of this."

I don't know why He has chosen to allow me a glimpse into the betrayal and abandonment he must have felt coming into this Holy week. As I reflect on today, Palm Sunday, I realize the very people who were triumphantly heralding him into the city are the very same ones who by Friday will be screaming "give us Barabbas and crucify Him!". Think about that. A friend wrote to me in an e-mail recently...they asked for a known murderer and thief to be released back among them, and demanded that mercy, grace and love be put to death. The man who had healed many of them without asking for a thing in return. The man who had forgiven sins and shown them a more excellent way. The man who had loved the unlovable and reached out to those who were outcasts. Instead, they preferred the man who had killed, stolen from, and generally mistreated his fellow man.

What is wrong with the human heart that it can choose like that? That it can turn so drastically so quickly - from praise to persecute in less than a week? "The human heart is deceitful above all things...who can know it?"