Are my tennis shoes? I know I packed 'em....
;)
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
O-Hi-O
I'm home. Still unpacking. Still promise to catch up with pictures. Eventually. If I can find that camera...
God's timing amazes me...several job opportunities have come up in the last week, and according to the principals I've spoken to, these are "late" in the season. Hmmmm...God is never "late", is He? Yep - these openings are right on time for me. God saved them until I got to Ohio! :)
I have 2 interviews tomorrow morning - please pray. I'll be sending an e-mail to my "list" with the specifics.
I also managed to get me and the boys on Ohio's medical program right away...so we have no lapse in coverage! Praise God!!!!!
It's things like this that keep reminding me that no matter how often I second guess myself with this move, He has orchestrated it. So even though there are and will be tough adjustments, and I miss my friends, family, church, co-workers, etc. in MN (and I miss the state, believe it or not - and I'm REALLY gonna miss the fair), I'm where I need to be for this season of my life. Thanks to all of you who are leaving me e-mails, voice mails, IM's, Facebook comments, etc. Due to unpacking, I haven't really been able to respond to all of you, but I will - I have no intentions of moving on without all of you! (love)
And even though it all still hurts, I can already see and feel where it's going to be easier to forget him here...and move on as Lori, Ethan, and Noah. Two things I ask prayer for as I forge new relationships...1)that people won't be apt to jump to conclusions. I didn't ask for or want the label "divorced", so I certainly don't want the "scarlet letter D" attached to my chest with everyone assuming somehow I had to have some fault or just gave up or whatever they tend to believe about divorced people and 2)that I will be able to help establish many Godly father figures for my sons. I know and accept I cannot teach them masculinity, or what it means to be a man. But neither can their father...for he doesn't know himself (or knows and just doesn't care). I pray for family and friends to reach out and willingly take up my boys as their own - because they WANT to, not out of pity or feeling like they have to. I don't want Ethan and Noah to grow up feeling like they are somehow less or stunted or cheated or disadvantaged because of the failure of their father. I hope all three of us can see it as a blessing (sounds weird and hard to swallow) - we were saved from physical, emotional, spiritual destruction by Rob's removal, and made available to experience something amazing that God has in store. But learning to fill the void correctly is crucial.
PS - in case you didn't notice, the blog is public again. In honor of my "new life" and "new start", I'm working hard to just focus on God, my boys, my family, and me.
God's timing amazes me...several job opportunities have come up in the last week, and according to the principals I've spoken to, these are "late" in the season. Hmmmm...God is never "late", is He? Yep - these openings are right on time for me. God saved them until I got to Ohio! :)
I have 2 interviews tomorrow morning - please pray. I'll be sending an e-mail to my "list" with the specifics.
I also managed to get me and the boys on Ohio's medical program right away...so we have no lapse in coverage! Praise God!!!!!
It's things like this that keep reminding me that no matter how often I second guess myself with this move, He has orchestrated it. So even though there are and will be tough adjustments, and I miss my friends, family, church, co-workers, etc. in MN (and I miss the state, believe it or not - and I'm REALLY gonna miss the fair), I'm where I need to be for this season of my life. Thanks to all of you who are leaving me e-mails, voice mails, IM's, Facebook comments, etc. Due to unpacking, I haven't really been able to respond to all of you, but I will - I have no intentions of moving on without all of you! (love)
And even though it all still hurts, I can already see and feel where it's going to be easier to forget him here...and move on as Lori, Ethan, and Noah. Two things I ask prayer for as I forge new relationships...1)that people won't be apt to jump to conclusions. I didn't ask for or want the label "divorced", so I certainly don't want the "scarlet letter D" attached to my chest with everyone assuming somehow I had to have some fault or just gave up or whatever they tend to believe about divorced people and 2)that I will be able to help establish many Godly father figures for my sons. I know and accept I cannot teach them masculinity, or what it means to be a man. But neither can their father...for he doesn't know himself (or knows and just doesn't care). I pray for family and friends to reach out and willingly take up my boys as their own - because they WANT to, not out of pity or feeling like they have to. I don't want Ethan and Noah to grow up feeling like they are somehow less or stunted or cheated or disadvantaged because of the failure of their father. I hope all three of us can see it as a blessing (sounds weird and hard to swallow) - we were saved from physical, emotional, spiritual destruction by Rob's removal, and made available to experience something amazing that God has in store. But learning to fill the void correctly is crucial.
PS - in case you didn't notice, the blog is public again. In honor of my "new life" and "new start", I'm working hard to just focus on God, my boys, my family, and me.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
on going dark...
So sorry I haven't blogged lately. What with the end of school, the end of my marriage, and the business of ending my life in MN to begin a new one in Ohio....well, I've been swamped.
You heard right. I'm moving. Rob finally agreed/relented and since school has been out, I've been packing, closing accounts, notifying friends, fixing and cleaning a house, finding a realtor, etc. I have so many pictures from so long ago on my camera it's not even funny. It may take me a few more weeks, but I will get things back up and going. And, once the divorce docs are signed, I may go public with the blog again.
So there you have it. Rob has not come to his senses, so we will be ending a beautiful friendship and marriage in a matter of days. And it appears that he will just say "oops - made a mistake", brush himself off and go on with his life as if nothing happened. Why, he even considers himself a Christian - one who is liberated and free from that "oppressive, extreme view of sexual monogamy and other 'black and white' views of morality". Seems he's now a relativist... even planning on taking the kids back to our church during the summers he has them. Yep. That and he's planning on getting his Masters in Marriage and Family Counseling. I kid you not. His very words.
On a lighter note - I've caught up with Lost, Heroes and am finishing Firefly. WHY OH WHY DID THEY CANCEL THAT SHOW AFTER ONE SEASON???? Morons, I tell you. What a fun show!
Gonna miss MN - my church, my friends, my jobs/work colleagues, the Science Museum and the Great Minnesota Get-Together. May be back for visits in the summer when the kids are visiting "dad". Still praying about that one - I cannot believe that one year ago, I was planning on home schooling my children to keep them from the world's system of pluralism, moral relativism and immerse them in holiness and being set apart. Now, I have to put them into public schools where those philosophies abound AND they have a father who is going to vaccinate them with truth - just small bits of it and half truths here and there to innoculate them to real Christianity. At least it will only be for the summers. I suppose I can undo whatever damage has been done with the help of the Holy Spirit of course...and I will be bathing them in prayer.
Pray for me to find a job, to find a good school for Ethan and daycare for Noah, and pray that Ethan and Noah won't grow up thinking half-hearted, lukewarm "christianity" is good enough...
You heard right. I'm moving. Rob finally agreed/relented and since school has been out, I've been packing, closing accounts, notifying friends, fixing and cleaning a house, finding a realtor, etc. I have so many pictures from so long ago on my camera it's not even funny. It may take me a few more weeks, but I will get things back up and going. And, once the divorce docs are signed, I may go public with the blog again.
So there you have it. Rob has not come to his senses, so we will be ending a beautiful friendship and marriage in a matter of days. And it appears that he will just say "oops - made a mistake", brush himself off and go on with his life as if nothing happened. Why, he even considers himself a Christian - one who is liberated and free from that "oppressive, extreme view of sexual monogamy and other 'black and white' views of morality". Seems he's now a relativist... even planning on taking the kids back to our church during the summers he has them. Yep. That and he's planning on getting his Masters in Marriage and Family Counseling. I kid you not. His very words.
On a lighter note - I've caught up with Lost, Heroes and am finishing Firefly. WHY OH WHY DID THEY CANCEL THAT SHOW AFTER ONE SEASON???? Morons, I tell you. What a fun show!
Gonna miss MN - my church, my friends, my jobs/work colleagues, the Science Museum and the Great Minnesota Get-Together. May be back for visits in the summer when the kids are visiting "dad". Still praying about that one - I cannot believe that one year ago, I was planning on home schooling my children to keep them from the world's system of pluralism, moral relativism and immerse them in holiness and being set apart. Now, I have to put them into public schools where those philosophies abound AND they have a father who is going to vaccinate them with truth - just small bits of it and half truths here and there to innoculate them to real Christianity. At least it will only be for the summers. I suppose I can undo whatever damage has been done with the help of the Holy Spirit of course...and I will be bathing them in prayer.
Pray for me to find a job, to find a good school for Ethan and daycare for Noah, and pray that Ethan and Noah won't grow up thinking half-hearted, lukewarm "christianity" is good enough...
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
yes I'm still alive
Whew! I haven't posted in forever. I've been keeping many of you up to date via e-mail because Rob was being a bit of a pain regarding the blog. Here is a summary:
1. he finally finished testing and made me sign a non-disclosure agreement so I can't discuss details. But I can tell you the court awarded him his overnights/extended visits. Not necessarily bad as my hope is that will allow us to move to Ohio.
2. Still pursuing Ohio. Rob is dragging everything out just as slowly as he possibly can. Won't commit. I'm concerned about the timeing and the possibility of going to trial ($$$) and/or being told I have to stay. I am getting to the place, however, that I trust God with even that outocme.
3. God is helping me to let go, forgive despite him not actually asking me to. Or apologizing. But I want freedom more than I want to make him suffer. I want to forgive more than I want to hate and be bitter. And I feel God is starting to heal some things... beauty for ashes.
Keep praying. More to come. Hope to get some answers and deadlines met by next week. Specifically, pray that if Ohio is where God wants me and the boys, He will move this mountain. And if not, He will close this door.
Thanks, all! I love you!
1. he finally finished testing and made me sign a non-disclosure agreement so I can't discuss details. But I can tell you the court awarded him his overnights/extended visits. Not necessarily bad as my hope is that will allow us to move to Ohio.
2. Still pursuing Ohio. Rob is dragging everything out just as slowly as he possibly can. Won't commit. I'm concerned about the timeing and the possibility of going to trial ($$$) and/or being told I have to stay. I am getting to the place, however, that I trust God with even that outocme.
3. God is helping me to let go, forgive despite him not actually asking me to. Or apologizing. But I want freedom more than I want to make him suffer. I want to forgive more than I want to hate and be bitter. And I feel God is starting to heal some things... beauty for ashes.
Keep praying. More to come. Hope to get some answers and deadlines met by next week. Specifically, pray that if Ohio is where God wants me and the boys, He will move this mountain. And if not, He will close this door.
Thanks, all! I love you!
Monday, May 05, 2008
Quick update
Gotta be vague just in case. Sad, isn't it? Anyway...those of you in my prayer group have more details...those of you wishing more should contact me via my e-mail address and we can correspond that way. I know he can't read those.
Update: today was NOT the court date as Rob's lawyer was suddenly booked up and we apparently are all STILL waiting on the psychologist report. I am officially unemployed in 30 days, though God has moved in an amazing way regarding possible future employment - just can't share that here. Like I said...if you want details, shoot me an e-mail. I'm not afraid to share them or trying to be coy...just want to limit his knowledge as much as possible.
I had to sit through that "co-parenting" class and listen to all of these secular people go on and on about how Rob and I finding common ground on the kids is the most important thing. No consideration of differences of faith and values, of psychological well being (or UNwell being in his case), no consideration of his difficulty to work with, the depths to which his behavior and attitude have sunken, his inablility to be believed or trusted, etc. I wanted to puke.
Please continue to pray. I want to be done hating him. I keep clinging to "Christ in me...the HOPE of GLORY"...because right now I don't feel like I'm glorifying Him in any way, shape or form. I'm a wretch. My heart is deceitful. My soul is selfish. I question every motive and thought...but I'm afraid to question too much becuase of what I might find the answer to be - and I want it MY way.
What a mess fallen humanity is. Who will save me from this body of death?
Update: today was NOT the court date as Rob's lawyer was suddenly booked up and we apparently are all STILL waiting on the psychologist report. I am officially unemployed in 30 days, though God has moved in an amazing way regarding possible future employment - just can't share that here. Like I said...if you want details, shoot me an e-mail. I'm not afraid to share them or trying to be coy...just want to limit his knowledge as much as possible.
I had to sit through that "co-parenting" class and listen to all of these secular people go on and on about how Rob and I finding common ground on the kids is the most important thing. No consideration of differences of faith and values, of psychological well being (or UNwell being in his case), no consideration of his difficulty to work with, the depths to which his behavior and attitude have sunken, his inablility to be believed or trusted, etc. I wanted to puke.
Please continue to pray. I want to be done hating him. I keep clinging to "Christ in me...the HOPE of GLORY"...because right now I don't feel like I'm glorifying Him in any way, shape or form. I'm a wretch. My heart is deceitful. My soul is selfish. I question every motive and thought...but I'm afraid to question too much becuase of what I might find the answer to be - and I want it MY way.
What a mess fallen humanity is. Who will save me from this body of death?
Thursday, April 17, 2008
random thoughts
Bad news is it's been a rough couple of week. Good news is I can actually feel progress in my spirit and my mind. I asked my counselor about this back and forth thing and he said it's normal for me as long as I'm making progress. Apparently I have a "right side"...the side that is my go getter, my pick-myself-up-by-my-bootstraps side that wants to be done with it all and move on. Then there is my left side...my emotional side that must grieve and work through it. My right side feeds on anger - if I get good and mad at him the I can get over it. But anger blocks the grief. So every once in a while, my emotional side says "take a break already and let me cry". With each "set back" I cling desperately to the truth even though I don't feel it. And I come out on the other side feeling more detached, which is good. I come out believing the truth a bit more, and starting to feel the truth. That, my friends, is progress. Unfortunately my counselor has also told me this is going to take time and it will not be quick. But I must embrace it and let it happen at the pace God has designed.
I shared with my mom that it's a lot like a serious wound. Often a wound must be irritated in order to heal. A broken bone must be set, a deep cut or scrape must be cleaned thoroughly, a bullet must first be removed. It involves pain and suffering, but without it infection sets in and the danger of gangrene. My infection is bitterness. If I am ever to be whole and share life with another, then I must embrace the pain and the suffering and let Him clean the wound. Even if it means He has to remove the scab over and over again to apply the ointment. The only way to let it all go is to not deny it's existance - it must be dealt with. And it is deep so the cleansing must happen in phases like peeling an onion...remove one layer to deal with the layer underneath.
I am sensing a peace about moving to Ohio. I believe it's going to happen. It might mean, however, that I have to be willing to let him have the children for overnights and extended periods. That still scares me, but I have to trust Jesus with my kids just like I've had to trust him with my heart and my life and my salvation.
Pastor Pete spoke on "why God doesn't answer my prayers" Sunday. Among the reasons was "because He may have something better". Dear Jesus, please let it be so. I never imagined I would want my life to not have Rob in it. But that's where I'm heading. He simply has too much "junk" and I have less and less interest to help him with it or be burdened by it. I have a lot to offer and he squelched it in me. I will NOT settle ever again.
I shared with my mom that it's a lot like a serious wound. Often a wound must be irritated in order to heal. A broken bone must be set, a deep cut or scrape must be cleaned thoroughly, a bullet must first be removed. It involves pain and suffering, but without it infection sets in and the danger of gangrene. My infection is bitterness. If I am ever to be whole and share life with another, then I must embrace the pain and the suffering and let Him clean the wound. Even if it means He has to remove the scab over and over again to apply the ointment. The only way to let it all go is to not deny it's existance - it must be dealt with. And it is deep so the cleansing must happen in phases like peeling an onion...remove one layer to deal with the layer underneath.
I am sensing a peace about moving to Ohio. I believe it's going to happen. It might mean, however, that I have to be willing to let him have the children for overnights and extended periods. That still scares me, but I have to trust Jesus with my kids just like I've had to trust him with my heart and my life and my salvation.
Pastor Pete spoke on "why God doesn't answer my prayers" Sunday. Among the reasons was "because He may have something better". Dear Jesus, please let it be so. I never imagined I would want my life to not have Rob in it. But that's where I'm heading. He simply has too much "junk" and I have less and less interest to help him with it or be burdened by it. I have a lot to offer and he squelched it in me. I will NOT settle ever again.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Lying Low
Well, I've had a few weird anomolies when it comes to this blog switching to private. I'm suspicious that Rob might still have found a way to access it, but I also could be completely paranoid. He has on 2 different occassions made comments about me "spreading his private informtion to third parties"...apart from the fact that he told me I could tell people early on, depsite the fact that most of his actions he confessed to many of you himself, and despite the fact that most of what is on the blog is my personal, spiritual journey and emotional processing. I think I've only given specific information twice. Maybe he's reading it, or maybe he's just upset that he can no longer read it so he's assuming it will always be about him. Anyway, if any of you are speaking to him, please don't share anything you know...just in case. And I also will try to keep the blog fairly neutral over the next few months. I will still keep those of you on my "prayer list" informed of issues as they arise via e-mail
I hate being under a microscope and not feeling as if I can be myself and be honest. I HATE playing games. But this is what it has come to. Feel free to contact me privately via phone or e-mail if you have any questions, comments, etc.
It's been a rough week. I hate waiting. Waiting causes my imagination to run wild. I also know my employment situaton is precarious, I can't make some deadlines even if we settled this thing tomorrow, and it's got me a bit stressed. There is a fine line between faith and foolishness sometimes. I've been trying to have faith that I will get to move to Ohio. Besides the faith, not beign able to do much, really, about employment here due to time adn financial restraints has caused me to be kinda putting my eggs in one basket. Now if that basket falls, all my eggs break, was I foolish or was God? His Word says he is faithful, so it must mean I missed it. If I miss it agian, I don't know if I have it in me to keep trusting that I'm hearing from the Lord. Apparently, I'm a LOUSY sheep.
So keep praying. I'm out of work in June and out of luck in MN - I'm no longer employable as a teacher. And I simply have not had the time nor money to take classes to renew my licensure. If I have to stay, I really have no idea what I will do at this time. That's just a wee bit scary place to be.
I hate being under a microscope and not feeling as if I can be myself and be honest. I HATE playing games. But this is what it has come to. Feel free to contact me privately via phone or e-mail if you have any questions, comments, etc.
It's been a rough week. I hate waiting. Waiting causes my imagination to run wild. I also know my employment situaton is precarious, I can't make some deadlines even if we settled this thing tomorrow, and it's got me a bit stressed. There is a fine line between faith and foolishness sometimes. I've been trying to have faith that I will get to move to Ohio. Besides the faith, not beign able to do much, really, about employment here due to time adn financial restraints has caused me to be kinda putting my eggs in one basket. Now if that basket falls, all my eggs break, was I foolish or was God? His Word says he is faithful, so it must mean I missed it. If I miss it agian, I don't know if I have it in me to keep trusting that I'm hearing from the Lord. Apparently, I'm a LOUSY sheep.
So keep praying. I'm out of work in June and out of luck in MN - I'm no longer employable as a teacher. And I simply have not had the time nor money to take classes to renew my licensure. If I have to stay, I really have no idea what I will do at this time. That's just a wee bit scary place to be.
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