Less Like Scars reprise

A few months ago, I let our pastor and music minister know that when the time was right, I'd like to share a testimony with the wonderful people of RLC that has rallied and supported me since June and sing that song "Less Like Scars" (I posted the lyrics last month - Sara Groves). I figured it would be a while before I could, but wanted them to keep it in mind.

God has done such miraculous things in my heart as I've learned to abandon myself to Him. I have a long way to go, but Pastor Pete asked if I was ready and willing to share as part of his Christmas series. He has been preaching on how God uses unexpected people and circumstances to bring about His plan sometimes. I know in the Word how it says we overcome by the power of the blood and the word of our testimony, so by faith, I decided to go ahead and share of the work He has done, is doing, and I trust He will do - even though it's not all done yet. So right before Christmas, I took the plunge.

I have received such positive feedback from people present to hear my story and my song - it's encouraging to know that good can come of this - God can use this to His glory even though the circumstances themselves are far from glorious. Just like Joseph. Nothing glorious about being sold into slavery by your own brothers, then being falsely accused of a crime and having your name smeared, then helping someone only to be forgotten about. BUT...in the end, he helped save the very family who had betrayed him, and kept an entire nation from starving to death. And he was a better man for having gone through the trials than he would have been otherwise (I think before he may have been a little bratty - wearing that coat around all day and flaunting it to his brothers. No wonder they were jealous! :)) Anyway, the response I've gotten reminded me of a promise that God gave Rob years ago, when we were in the beginnings of his addiction...God told him he would use our trials to save other people's marriages. Now, please don't misunderstand. I firmly believe that God wanted Rob to seek and receive deliverance, our marriage to be completely restored and healed, and then our story to be the catalyst to save those on the brink. However, just like it was God's original plan to walk with man in the garden, man had a different idea. MY man had a different idea. That doesn't mean God's ultimate plan cannot happen - just that we have to take a different route to get there. God IS using and I believe WILL use my story to help others. I'M not the one who veered from the path - Rob is. I'm sorry he will not be around to share in the miraculous, but I'm going forward with my original plan: to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and to serve Him by loving my neighbor as myself. And telling of His wonders to anyone and everyone who will listen to me. And letting Him use my life however He can and will to speak life to others. I hate that the way God will fulfill His promise is to use Rob as an object lesson - a warning sign so to speak. But if Rob chose to not cooperate with God's plan as God intended it, then Rob will have to be the one to adjust - not God, not myself, not my children, not our friends and family.

There are still days that the pain and hurt look MORE like scars than anything. That I feel like a victim over and over again and I see how my children are being victimized by Rob's inconsistency and instability (as I e-mailed some of you about the recent incident with Ethan). But the fact that there are days that the pain and hurt looks LESS like scars - well, that's the glory. That's the mercy. That's Jehovah my healer, my defender, my strong tower. That's when I feel bold in my spirit. When I can agree with my Savior and say "ENOUGH! I will NOT be a victim nor will I let my children be victims!" As a fellow sister who went through a similar journey 3 years ago told me - we are VICTORS not VICTIMS.

Because I am in Christ, I am secure. My future is secure. My life is secure. My family is secure. My hope is secure. I am on the Rock... and though it may feel shaky, nonetheless it's still solid. Rob is in the miry clay - the quicksand - the pit. There is no security in the pit. The saddest part about that is he doesn't have to be. He wasn't there to begin with - he looked around and jumped right into it all by himself. And he LIKES it down there. Guess you would have to to stay in it. The prodigal found something appealing about eating pig slop.

I still have a lot of questions regarding doctrine and theology I've grown up with and how to frame all of this. But I'm starting to be OK with the fact that I may never have all the answers - because there simply are no answers to some aspects...at least no logical or sane ones. But I will keep peeling back the layers of my thinking and my heart and looking for the wrong judgements and roots that are there and keep seeking THE ANSWER for my answers. And keep working on framing it all through Jesus - who knows exactly how it feels to be betrayed and abandoned by a close friend when you've done nothing to deserve it or cause it. He knows what it's like to have your good repaid you with evil. He knows what it's like to wrestle with this heart and body of dirt...and STILL overcome. And because I am His, so can I.

Greetings from my family to yours!

We hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season and are looking forward to 2008. May those of you who know Christ, know Him deeper and more intimately than ever. May those of you who do not know Him, come to know Him.

May the Lord bless and keep you, make His face shine upon you, be gracious to you and give you peace.

PS - don't I have me some handsome boys? :)

PPS - Today, Ethan asked me if superheros were once real like dinosaurs and just went extinct. Where does he come up with this stuff? He's a little obsessed right now with learning the background, theme song, and secret identity of EVERY SUPER HERO ever. I realized there are very few that I know the hows and whys of their powers. Guess it's time for a Google search or a long chat with my comic-nerd friends (said with all love and admiration. After all, one man's 'nerd' is another man's 'cool' - believe me. I know! :) Drama club, swing choir, sci fi...)

Happy New Year 2008!

I hope you all rang in the new year with those you love! I know I did.

Festival of Lights

I got to treat my boys to a childhood tradition of mine - going to the Cincy Zoo for the Festival of Lights! It was bigger than I remember it, which is odd - usually things you revisit as an adult seem smaller than you remember them as a child. The boys had a blast with all their cousins, aunts, and uncles and of course mamaw and papaw. We enjoyed seeing the animals, the beautiful light displays, pop corn and hot chocolate. And mommy enjoyed not freezing her tuckus off like I would be if I were in MN! :)

It's especially nice feeling a part of something bigger - not just me and the boys. And having help in keeping up with them and getting them ready to go places, etc. And even having someone to help in the middle of the night with the terrors, coughing, fevers and so on. I love these boys and would do anything and sacrifice everything for them, but being a single parent is hard work and having help makes a big difference to them and me. Having other people besides mommy to see the cool stuff, hear the secrets, laugh at the jokes, watch your trick, attend to your needs - that's important.

They also love having so many men around to affirm and validate them. Yes, they have that in many friends and brothers in our church, but I can see a difference in them having it daily through grandpa, uncle Brandon, cousin Tom, etc. Why papaw even showed them how to shave this week. Ethan thinks he's something else now! I already call him "the man of the house" and that makes him feel really special. But being "let in" on such a manly ritual and rite of passage...now he's feeling very grown up. He has a Transformers shaving kit and couldn't wait to show me how he shaves when I bathed him. So cute. So precious. And he's growing up so fast. I don't want to miss a moment.

But I keep trying to remind them as I tuck them in, pray over them, and bless them - Jesus is really all they need. Not mommy, grandpa and grandma, cousins - just Jesus. I remind them to tell Him everything...how they feel, what they are thinking about, even questions they have or jokes they want to share. This is the same lesson mommy is having to learn, too. I never intended for my boys to learn so early that life is cruel and unfair - because of sin and the nature of man's heart, but here we are learning it way before I felt they were ready. And not through a stranger, but through someone they love. But it certainly is a great way to illustrate that man will always fail - but God never will. NEVER.

New Year's is coming up. New beginnings. New adventures. New changes. I wonder where our journey will take us in 2008? I am confident that as long as I hold to the hand of God, and follow His steps, that it will be OK. Safe? Happy? Perfect? Probably not. But that's the adventure. It will be exciting, risky, joyous and perfecting. For me and the boys. As for me and my household...we will serve the Lord-and EXPECT the wonder that can only come from a life abandoned and submitted to Christ. As I heard in a recent sermon- Christians were never meant to be ordinary, "normal", status-quo kind of people. We are BARBARIANS. We go against the flow. We buck the system. We are risk-takers. We seem foolish to the world. Reckless Abandon to the One who gives Reckless Mercy. As I journey, I'm noticing that the path isn't getting easier, but it IS getting clearer. Everyday, every moment there is a choice to be made. Death or life? Rebellion or obedience? Curses or blessing? And though the world tries it's best to make the choices seem gray and muddled, the closer I draw to Him, the more distinct the choices are.

This year, when the clock strikes midnight, I will kiss TWO "men" and spend the evening in the arms of the lover of my soul. Because I have a choice - I choose life. I choose hope. I choose Christ.

Lunch at good 'ol LaRosa's pizzeria

Thanks to Mare for the pics. I'll be downloading all the ones I took once I'm home in MN. These were some of my drama/Choralier friends from FHS. Several of us met for lunch on Wednesday...

...and as usual, Noah ended up wearing a spaghetti beard.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Just wanted to wish everyone a very Christ-filled Christmas and a wonderful 2008! We are having a great time with family in Ohio. It's been really good to be with people who love you. We have been blessed abundantly by family, friends, and people who don't even know us. I am once again, amazed by God and his abundant, perfect and unconditional love for me and my children.

I had the great privilege to catch up with some old high school drama/Choralier buddies of mine at a Christmas party on Sunday! Thanks to the efforts of Dave P. who started a reunion site, many of us have become re-acquainted and was in town for the holidays. So one of the gals hosted a little get together for us. It was fun to catch up and amazing to see where we all have been, are, and are going - and what many have become. We have doctors, lawyers, actors, musicians, teachers, nurses, business masterminds, top secret government IT guys... you name it and someone in this group does it. I get to have lunch with a few of them tomorrow before we all start scattering the country once again. So here is a shout-out to my FHS peeps (that just sounds so pathetic coming from a 36 year old mother, huh?) :) We missed those of you who could not make it (especially Tom who was supposed to stay at my Grandma's house but who wimped out last minute because of weather. You owe me a reunion, dude. :) )

I will post pics as soon as I get back to MN. Don't worry Chris...I will protect your identity and not post any pics of you on my site. ;)

Christmas '07

Being that this is our first Christmas without daddy, I was afraid I would have a hard time making it special, let alone providing gifts given the current financial situation with the pending divorce. However, once again, God's love and grace has been poured out pressed down, shaken together, and running over! The Body of Christ has responded as His hands and feet, and my boys are enjoying one of the best Christmas' they've ever had, apart from the relational aspect of not having their father be a part of it. Grace is covering them in that area, however, as they are young enough that it's not effecting them too much.

My concern now is to make sure this 1)does not set a precedent for future years - I could not afford it! and 2)that I'm able to get the true Christmas message through all the "gettin'". I plan to have them pick out at least one new toy they recieved to give away. We sat and talked about Christmas being when God GAVE us something precious without asking anything in return from us - we had nothing to give. And talked about how people and helping/giving is better than what we get. Then we talked about how it would be better to get zero presents, but have daddy come back to the Lord and be at home because Jesus still loves him and misses him just like we do. We said a prayer of thankfulness for Emmanuel, for God's love and blessings being bestowed upon us through His followers, and for Rob. Then they tore in....