A little visit from sunny SC...

Grandma and Grandpa Funderburk came for a visit last week and had an early Christmas with the boys. It was bittersweet to spend time with them, especially with Rob's absence. But they are my family and have been for half of my life. And no divorce decree will change that. Please lift them up in your prayers. They are just as heart broken and confounded as the rest of us who love Rob.

Ethan got "Optimus Prime" for Christmas. He has slept with this thing every night since! :)

Took us a full hour just to figure out how to "transform" it between a truck and robot. The pictures in the instructions are rather worthless.

Noah was completely mesmerized by the kaleidoscope. It makes me smile when the simplest toys bring the most wonder. Who needs batteries or flashing lights?

Ethan and Noah have begun a "I want to sleep in bubby's bed" phase...at least a couple of times a week. I figure it won't last long, so why not. They think they are having a "sleep over". It's sweet.

The boys always appreciate time to wrestle and tickle with Grandpa!

Ethan was quite proud of his "Gingerbread" House and wanted us to snap some pics of the finished project. What have I learned about my son by doing this project with him? That he did not get my sense of orderliness and spacial balance. He just haphazardly threw candy all over it. I've had to learn to let some things go... :) Of course, you can probably pick out my contribution right away - the straight row of alternating striped chocolate chips on the roof. Yep. Balanced and orderly. I don't do abstract well.

Ethan was proud to show off his school work.
Noah has discovered the world of telecommunication. There is nothing he loves better than a phone. He and Ethan will play talking on the phone for very long periods of time.


You may think this is just Grandpa enjoying some cuddle time. Personally, I think he got down to change a diaper and just couldn't get back up again. ;)

overlooked fall fun...

Boy, as I emptied out my camera, I realized just how long it's been since I downloaded any of the pics I had taken. So here is a flashback to our time this past fall. We had some beautiful colors here in MN and great weather! This was one of the most colorful trees I've ever seen - and it took it a long time (by MN standards) to finally fade and loose it's leaves. We really enjoyed the show!

This year we tried a different apple orchard and went with our good friends from church - the Forbes Family. We had a blast. Their oldest, Jaben, is one of Ethan's buddies from Sunday School. Pictured is Ethan and Noah, and Jaben and Myla Forbes.

The boys just hanging out and being silly. Myla had given up on them at this point and moved on to more interesting things... :)

This year for Fall Festival, Ethan wanted to be a Power Ranger. Why? I have NO idea - he's never seen one that I'm aware of. Nor does he possess any secret powers of own weird weaponry or communicative device, so I'm pretty sure he isn't one himself. I honestly don't know how he even knew what a power ranger is! Noah is a "fire dog".

Fall was GREAT this year. And we scored nicely on the candy! :)

"Gingerbread" houses

Here is Ethan and mommy working together to make our very first "Gingerbread" house. Ethan's teacher had the great idea of hot gluing the graham crackers to 2 pint cartons of milk. All we had to do is slather on the frosting and garnish with the candy! Ethan used a chocolate bar for his chimney.

Afterwards, we played tinker toys for a while. Ethan built robots. I swear, I was only there for about 15 minutes and he had no less than 4 little girls in his class come by and ask him what he was doing... ;)

I'm behind

with regards to pictures and updates regarding the kids and such. I will try to catch up in the next few days. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to helping Ethan build a gingerbread house tomorrow in school! A first for BOTH of us! Grandma and Grandpa Funderburk will be there, too. We are going to have a blast.

You know, having less time with my children sure makes me appreciate the time I do get and makes me think more creative about making it special, and not just popping in a video or something. I realize how much I took for granted being with them all day. I still believe that is the ideal - for kids to be in the presence of a Godly parent MOST of the time, but there is grace to cover my kids. I will not squander any more time with them. Nor will I worry. I am learning to let God be God, and to stop trying to be God for them. After all HE is all they need... and some people and some situations are simply not worth fretting over.

You know, there was a freedom in being childless that I vaguely remember. And single parenthood is even less "freedom" as you are picking up the slack for the other, irresponsible party who does not value the inherit human obligations that come with parenthood and family life. But...to miss out on the smiles, hugs, laughs, horseplay, jokes, silliness, learning moments, discussions of life and faith... I may not be as "free" as I was, but I certainly am living much more than I was. To know that you and you alone can kiss the boo-boo all better, can cuddle the scaries away, can soothe a troubled heart or sick body. To know you helped to give life and have a part in sustaining it. To mold and shape a life and be molded and shaped yourself as well. To know you are the most important person to someone else. To share life, love, dreams, hopes and the future. To live with purpose, destiny, peace, joy....

and NO REGRETS.

THAT is real freedom.

White washed tombs

Had an unfortunate glimpse of Rob's new life this week when I had to go check out his apartment before leaving my precious son in his care for an entire day - Ethan had pink eye, I had to work - I really had no other options. I knew it would be emotional...

Rob has surrounded himself with "beautiful" things, even without the income to do so...a new bed, antique desk, nice plants, lamps, decor, new dishes and wine glasses and 2 closets full of clothes and shoes. Yes, you read right. We shared one closet all our married life and now he has enough clothes and shoes to fill 2 all by himself. He keeps scented candles burning and air fresheners going constantly, and while we were there, was in a constant state of agitation as the kids messed up his cushions, spilled a bit on the floor, or got too close to his nice lamp. Obsessive compulsive comes to mind.

Of course it was a stab in my heart again - he loves his new life, his freedom, his "friends" and his stuff. While I am sleep deprived and desperately missing time with my kids as I work at a frantic pace to make income to keep it all together, while I haven't cooked in ages and me and the boys seem to be living off of fast food, while I'm dragging my kids out of bed at 6:30 AM when they are used to sleeping until 9 and hauling them all over the place for someone else to care for them all day, while I am frustrated with celibacy after 17 years of beautiful, meaningful, REGULAR intimacy, while my closet and home is full of thrift store bargains, he is living it up with seemingly no consequences and loving every minute of it feeling absolutley no regret about what it has done or is doing to me, the kids or anyone else.

But as I got home that night and let the tears flow into my Savior's lap, I kept hearing "white washed tombs". God was showing me its just all part of the facade that is his life. Nothing is real. Nothing is true. Even the nice, new things were purchased on credit he cannot afford - they are not his, he is only getting to borrow them for a short while. He is surrounding himself with as much distraction as he can - anything to try to cover up the look, feel, and stench of the spiritual death and rot that is his life. It's just more medication. And like the alcohol and women, it, too will not satisfy or cover up the stench for long. The smell of decomposition has a way of overpowering everything else eventually. The Bible describes this as "white washed tombs - full of dead men's bones". They may look nice on the outside - but they are still just graves filled with corpses.

It was disturbing to see his place and see how he acted in it with the kids there. It hurt, but it also was a very powerful visual reminder that he is not the same person on ANY level - he was always neat, but never obsessed with it. And stuff was not important to him. But now, this is all he has and all he can control, so understandably it has higher priority than his children feeling free to play. It's especially weird to have a visual representation adn object lesson so close to me that illustrates so many things the Word of God says regarding this type of sin.

When I am around him, it's easy to get dragged into his lie. It's so dark, sinister, and thick it consumes all around it. When I'm away, I can see and hear much more clearly and I'm finding it easier to seperate the lies from the truth. I am thankful to God for that progress, for I would never be here without His help, and it gives me hope that the future will not always feel so bleak.

One of the hardest lessons in all of this is that doing the right thing and loving the right way - with your whole heart and and soul - may not be rewarded - at least not down here, and perhaps not by the recepient of that goodness and love. That doesn't mean it wasn't right. And that doesn't mean I should close my heart off to anyone in the future to protect it. It was right to love Rob like I did. I will not become bitter and guarded. I may hate what is happening now, and the pain it causes, but I do not hate loving in such a way that I have this grief and pain. And I plan to love that intensely and completely again...for it is the only real way to love. God did not withhold His best from those He loves - so neither will I. I loved him with my heart, soul and body. Apparently that was too much for him - and he prefers only being "loved" with one out of the 3. That's too bad for him...because that is not love. But I suppose it's all he can fit into his small world.

Funny how we can love something and hate it at the same time...hate the pain, but love the reason for the pain. Hate the tiredness, but love and be thankful for the job that makes you tired. Hate that I'm not eating right, but loving the weight loss. Hating the messy house and car, but loving that I have a reliable car, a warm home, and loving the 2 people that have made the messes in them both.

I'll happily take my thrift store bargains and the real relationships I have with my kids, my family, my dear friends over all brand new stuff and casual, meaningless, and pretend relationships. And I'll take Jesus over all of that if I had to. I am determined and decided to pass the test.

Less Like Scars

Here are some more lyrics to share with you all that summarize where I am right now...and it's a very good thing.

Sara Groves \ Less Like Scars
It's been a hard year But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard Healing changes are subtle But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here, and you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars and more like Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars

Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping You would come

And I need you , And I want you here, And I feel you

And I know you're here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars (x3)
And more like Character


...Amen.

Ask me about my car...

I'm sorry I have to be so vague right now with everything. I'd love to shout praises from the roof top, but I've learned that I cannot trust a certain person with access to this public forum to not use some information against me in legal proceedings. But if you really want to hear some AMAZING tales regarding the blessings and grace and mercy and love of the Lord towards me in these last 2 weeks, e-mail me a message and I will be happy to give details. After the divorce is final, I will divulge any and all details and share the wonders of my God with all! I can tantilize you with this: you will simply not believe it. I don't. "Above all we can ask or think or measure" as my pastor put it. :)