White washed tombs

Had an unfortunate glimpse of Rob's new life this week when I had to go check out his apartment before leaving my precious son in his care for an entire day - Ethan had pink eye, I had to work - I really had no other options. I knew it would be emotional...

Rob has surrounded himself with "beautiful" things, even without the income to do so...a new bed, antique desk, nice plants, lamps, decor, new dishes and wine glasses and 2 closets full of clothes and shoes. Yes, you read right. We shared one closet all our married life and now he has enough clothes and shoes to fill 2 all by himself. He keeps scented candles burning and air fresheners going constantly, and while we were there, was in a constant state of agitation as the kids messed up his cushions, spilled a bit on the floor, or got too close to his nice lamp. Obsessive compulsive comes to mind.

Of course it was a stab in my heart again - he loves his new life, his freedom, his "friends" and his stuff. While I am sleep deprived and desperately missing time with my kids as I work at a frantic pace to make income to keep it all together, while I haven't cooked in ages and me and the boys seem to be living off of fast food, while I'm dragging my kids out of bed at 6:30 AM when they are used to sleeping until 9 and hauling them all over the place for someone else to care for them all day, while I am frustrated with celibacy after 17 years of beautiful, meaningful, REGULAR intimacy, while my closet and home is full of thrift store bargains, he is living it up with seemingly no consequences and loving every minute of it feeling absolutley no regret about what it has done or is doing to me, the kids or anyone else.

But as I got home that night and let the tears flow into my Savior's lap, I kept hearing "white washed tombs". God was showing me its just all part of the facade that is his life. Nothing is real. Nothing is true. Even the nice, new things were purchased on credit he cannot afford - they are not his, he is only getting to borrow them for a short while. He is surrounding himself with as much distraction as he can - anything to try to cover up the look, feel, and stench of the spiritual death and rot that is his life. It's just more medication. And like the alcohol and women, it, too will not satisfy or cover up the stench for long. The smell of decomposition has a way of overpowering everything else eventually. The Bible describes this as "white washed tombs - full of dead men's bones". They may look nice on the outside - but they are still just graves filled with corpses.

It was disturbing to see his place and see how he acted in it with the kids there. It hurt, but it also was a very powerful visual reminder that he is not the same person on ANY level - he was always neat, but never obsessed with it. And stuff was not important to him. But now, this is all he has and all he can control, so understandably it has higher priority than his children feeling free to play. It's especially weird to have a visual representation adn object lesson so close to me that illustrates so many things the Word of God says regarding this type of sin.

When I am around him, it's easy to get dragged into his lie. It's so dark, sinister, and thick it consumes all around it. When I'm away, I can see and hear much more clearly and I'm finding it easier to seperate the lies from the truth. I am thankful to God for that progress, for I would never be here without His help, and it gives me hope that the future will not always feel so bleak.

One of the hardest lessons in all of this is that doing the right thing and loving the right way - with your whole heart and and soul - may not be rewarded - at least not down here, and perhaps not by the recepient of that goodness and love. That doesn't mean it wasn't right. And that doesn't mean I should close my heart off to anyone in the future to protect it. It was right to love Rob like I did. I will not become bitter and guarded. I may hate what is happening now, and the pain it causes, but I do not hate loving in such a way that I have this grief and pain. And I plan to love that intensely and completely again...for it is the only real way to love. God did not withhold His best from those He loves - so neither will I. I loved him with my heart, soul and body. Apparently that was too much for him - and he prefers only being "loved" with one out of the 3. That's too bad for him...because that is not love. But I suppose it's all he can fit into his small world.

Funny how we can love something and hate it at the same time...hate the pain, but love the reason for the pain. Hate the tiredness, but love and be thankful for the job that makes you tired. Hate that I'm not eating right, but loving the weight loss. Hating the messy house and car, but loving that I have a reliable car, a warm home, and loving the 2 people that have made the messes in them both.

I'll happily take my thrift store bargains and the real relationships I have with my kids, my family, my dear friends over all brand new stuff and casual, meaningless, and pretend relationships. And I'll take Jesus over all of that if I had to. I am determined and decided to pass the test.

Less Like Scars

Here are some more lyrics to share with you all that summarize where I am right now...and it's a very good thing.

Sara Groves \ Less Like Scars
It's been a hard year But I'm climbing out of the rubble
These lessons are hard Healing changes are subtle But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building
Less like captive, more like willing
Less like breakdown, more like surrender
Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here, and you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars and more like Character

Less like a prison, more like my room
It's less like a casket, more like a womb
Less like dying, more like transcending
Less like fear, less like an ending

And I feel you here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars

Just a little while ago I couldn't feel the power or the hope I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing Just a little while back I was desperate, broken, laid out, hoping You would come

And I need you , And I want you here, And I feel you

And I know you're here And you're picking up the pieces Forever faithful
It seemed out of my hands, a bad, bad situation But you are able
And in your hands the pain and hurt Look less like scars (x3)
And more like Character


...Amen.

Ask me about my car...

I'm sorry I have to be so vague right now with everything. I'd love to shout praises from the roof top, but I've learned that I cannot trust a certain person with access to this public forum to not use some information against me in legal proceedings. But if you really want to hear some AMAZING tales regarding the blessings and grace and mercy and love of the Lord towards me in these last 2 weeks, e-mail me a message and I will be happy to give details. After the divorce is final, I will divulge any and all details and share the wonders of my God with all! I can tantilize you with this: you will simply not believe it. I don't. "Above all we can ask or think or measure" as my pastor put it. :)

Impossible?

Here's a deep theological perspective to chew on. I welcome comments.

Heb. 6:4-8

4It is impossible for those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, who have shared in the Holy Spirit,5who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the coming age,6if they fall away, to be brought back to repentance, because[2] to their loss they are crucifying the Son of God all over again and subjecting him to public disgrace.
7Land that drinks in the rain often falling on it and that produces a crop useful to those for whom it is farmed receives the blessing of God.8But land that produces thorns and thistles is worthless and is in danger of being cursed. In the end it will be burned.

I have read this in at least 4 different translations and every one of them says "impossible". Even though "with God, all things are possible". Guess that says a lot about free will, huh? With God, all things may be possible, but with man, there are simply some impossibilities because of man's selfishness, stubbornness, and outright rebellion. May I never subject my beautiful savior to public disgrace or another crucifixion. May my land never get hard from the outpouring of rain and only produce thistles. May I never turn away from the living water of which I have tasted. I am counting the cost and finding nothing more valuable than Christ.

new job

God is good and He is taking such good care of me and my boys. And when He chooses to open the storehouses....then look out! I don't want to reveal too much here, but apparently I'm a hot commodity - even being out of the classroom for the last 5 years and even in the middle of the school year when all the jobs are supposedly filled. If you want more details, e-mail me privately.

I had another incident that reminded me of the Israelites wandering the desert - even though they are in a horrible place seemingly aimlessly wandering without food, a home, etc. the Word says that God caused their shoes and clothes to last an unnaturally long time (in addition to providing them food and water). Praise God that He can and does work on so many levels - from causing our material goods to last longer, to providing the means by which to fix or replace them when that time comes - whether through a job or a miracle. Doesn't matter to me - it's all His hand at work! :)

And even on a "fun" note: I have officially dropped 50 lbs. Another testimony to His "levels": although the reason for my weight loss is horrible, at least I'm looking good and feeling really good about myself. It's as if the weight loss helps to counter the reason for the weight loss...if that makes sense. I'm now in a size I was in during my college years - it's been a long time! So despite the ending of one season of my life, I'm getting a new lease as I enter the next one.

Please pray for wisdom and discernment for me with regards to my employment- and that God would work out the child care situation to the best for me and for the boys.

validation

I know the source of my pain and my rollercoaster - I just don't know how to turn it off, you know? My problem is that I'm still viewing this hateful, cruel man as my husband and best friend and seeking validation of our relationship, our marriage, of my role as his friend and wife. Now I know full well he is NOT going to give it to me, nor could he even if he wanted to. But something in me fears that if he doesn't validate it, if he doesn't recognize it as true, then somehow that makes it invalidated and untrue. When, in reality, truth doesn't change and hasn't changed - Rob has. So therefore his opinion is moot. He has no credibility to validate anything. He has believed and continues to believe lies and deception, to the point that reality has become something else to him. Our history, my role, my importance, our relationship - he is not viewing any of it through the eyes of truth, therefore he has reframed it all and rewritten history. Just because someone doesn't remember it, doesn't mean it didn't happen or happened differently.

My husband and best friend is dead. This new person should mean nothing to me. How do I get there?

I KNOW IN WHOM I HAVE BELIEVED...

My God is real of that I have no doubt. I feel I am only starting to awaken to the love my Savior has for me. Only just now starting to scratch the surface of how high and how wide and how deep and how long is the love of Christ and to KNOW this love that surpasses ALL understanding! I wish, oh, I wish I could spill my guts and tell you all of specific ways he has revealed himself to me over the past month. To tell you all of the things he has spoken to my heart. But, alas - it would not be wise nor prudent given my current pending legal action. Oh, and because the devil might read this and learn what's going on. :) (that was a little inside humor for all my fellow pentecostals - especially you Lee alumni). I was asked this week by someone if I want to live in a place where I have to rely on miracles all the time? You know, maybe I would. I have never known such freedom! Granted, I'm not walking in the freedom like I should - constantly, unwaveringly, not doubting. I still find myself wringing my hands from time to time or projecting situations or circumstances that may never be. But ultimately I keep making my way back, even through the muck and mire, to the place of rest, peace, security. Under His wings. And I am learning to trust like never before. But where it seemed to be getting harder to trust for a while there, He has so proven Himself faithful and true, over and over, that it's actually getting EASIER to trust now. I'm sorry I could not trust without the proof, but such is the human heart, eh? Has my circumstance changed? Yes - it seems to be getting worse. But my peace is growing. My security is growing. My faith is growing. And my love for God is growing. And my realization of His love for me is growing. My anxiety, doubt, fear, grief and sorrow are all waning. I do not make any apologies for how long it has taken me to grieve this, nor how much longer it might take. For I am more certain than ever that when I am done, it will be complete. There will be closure. It will be finished.

If any of you would like more specific testimony, feel free to e-mail me and I will share details in a less public forum. But let me just say... TO GOD BE THE GLORY, GREAT THINGS HE HAS DONE.

I do hope there are many of you who are still praying for Rob. He needs it really bad. Allow the Lord to lead you how to pray - because I often don't know myself. I can tell you his heart and his mind has never been more bitter, hard, cold...nor has he ever been so far away. He is utterly consumed and I truly shudder to think what awaits him in this life and beyond.